Colleague Misses Me Already

A co-worker / client, also known as my birthday buddy, said the funniest thing at lunch today.  He said he would miss me the most if I left and is not quite sure what he would do if I were to go elsewhere.

This came out of the blue, and seemingly for no reason at all.  Sort of.  My boss is leaving and he will him and said as much.  He also said he would miss me more.

I was shocked and could only think to stammer, "Thank you."

It makes me a little sad that this would upset him so much, knowing that it would likely, deeply trouble this person.

At the same time, it is good to hear that at least one person cares that much.

Be That Person

I saw this sign on someone's desk today and the profoundness of this statement, in relation to current activities almost made me laugh.  That problem child I am constantly dealing with needs this reminder.

In other news, I only just learned that I will be passed up for a role that I had my sights on. That rejection is easy enough to deal with.  It is an internal position.  What is not easy to deal with is the fact that the hiring manager has let two other people know, but that I have not been officially told.

There is nothing worse than learning this kind of thing second hand.

I need to leave.

This is all so disappointing.

To Teach or Not to Teach

That is the question ...

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them”

- William Shakespeare

I am continually confronted by my own thoughts, "I was happy teaching.   I enjoyed doing what I was doing.  I was proud of what I was doing.  I had no drama.  I was motivated to go to work every day.  I looked forward to going to work every day, even when expecting the worst day, or after the worst day.  When I was asked, "what do you do," I typically responded enthusiastically, "I am a teacher!"

Let's review where I am.

Am I happy doing what I do now?

It is a job.  There is a level of solitude and associated indifference.  I am a cog in a machine.

Do I enjoy doing what I am doing?

It passes the time and pays the bills.  It is not rewarding. I am a cog in a machine.

Am I proud of what I do?  

There is a level of personal pride in accomplishment, but no longer with my role in the organization, society, or what I am contributing to the bigger picture.  It is not something where I proudly state my role.   I am a cog in a machine.

Is there drama?  

There was not, until two new people from a former sweat shop (Cerner) joined the organization.  Now we have drama.  Now we have politics.  Now we have gaslighting.  Now we have finger-pointing.  Now we have blame.  Now we have people minimizing the efforts of others to make their own efforts look more appealing.

Am I motivated to go to work every day?  

Only because I feel personally responsible.  It is becoming increasingly difficult to wake up every day.  This is a sure sign, for me, that this is no longer a fit.

Do I look forward to going to work every day?  

Yes, in that I can complete tasks and enjoy the company of some of those that I work with.  No, in that I do not enjoy the recent drama, politics, etc.  I also do not enjoy communicating and teaching those that refuse to learn for themselves, or generating analysis that mostly only serves to find fault with others.   Expecting the worst day, I would rather sleep in.  After the worst day, I would rather sleep forever.

When asked, "what do you do," now I respond that I am simply a bean counter and nothing more.

Some of the decision comes down to money and retirement.  Teacher compensation is awful.  However, my current compensation is not a whole lot better.  It does afford a higher level of existence. Or does it?  Is it really worth trading personal happiness for a few tens of thousands of dollars?

Add to all of this, I noted this morning that they again posted a role that I had hoped to take on, which was nearly promised to me in the beginning.  It has become increasingly apparent that I am not needed or wanted in such a role.  It is the same as ever.  Stay where you are and do what you do.  That is sufficient to their needs.  It is not sufficient to my own.

Talent Card Results

Documentation for a career opportunity sent me down a path to complete an assessment that was only supposed to take about 20 minutes, and ended up taking about 45.  It really was no matter though, as it is a fantastic chance to return to the GIS world.

I usually abhor these things, as they are not particularly accurate in their evaluation or the results they produce.  This turned out to be one of the few times that something like this was on point.

Offered by Talent+

CEO 20, Staff 0

How can a CEO justify a 20% raise for themselves and nothing for their staff?  It seems rather selfish and contradictory to the stated and intended culture.  I saw this happen right on time for a CEO in October, while staff continued wonder in December if and when it would come to pass.  Sad.

Follow-Up with Gaslighting

Greeting me this morning, an email from VQ, attempting to gaslight me.  I am including the original text here for anyone that may be looking for just the right example of what this looks like in the workplace.

The email ...

I am not sure what I said to cause that reaction earlier today, but that was not my intention.  While you were showing me the [report], it came to mind that we needed to change the criteria on the [other displays] to match our compliance rules.  I know that report was originally requested by VHT early 2023 and I really didn’t know much about [the report] at that time and we hadn’t set the compliance rules.  My comments today were just an update that I’d be sending a request to change the report to match the compliance rules. 

The change I mentioned today and the request [my minion] sent for the [other] report (per the request of the STeam and report owners) have both caused negative reactions that I wasn’t expecting or intending.  I was told to always send our requests to you, but if there is a different process we should follow, please let me know.  The compliance rules and reporting to support our quality measures is an on-going evolution and changes will continue to be needed as things evolve.  I would like us to be partners on these changes.  Let me know how you’d like to receive these requests in the future.

I forwarded this message along to my direct report, with a simple comment, "For the record, this is gaslighting and equally as unwelcome as her bullying."

I do not have to put up with this kind of thing out of anyone.  I absolutely hated working at DST, and ultimately left that place, because it was a morass of this sort of behavior.

Even when I was teaching, I was not subjected to this sort of nonsense.

Rude and Condescending Bullying

She did it again. VQ and I were discussing some recent changes to the Appointments report, as they related to the new effort, and she lost her mind.

As usual, there were no witnesses.  Those nearby were engaged in loud conversation.  The one that would have heard every word had just left.

I need to start recording every interaction with this individual.

I should probably start seeking a new path.

As usual, it started off normal enough.

She was nearby talking with another, and I asked if she had a spare minute.

The conversation was amicable enough.

I was showing her the recent changes to the new HTeam A Summary report, where it showed up in the dashboard view, and how it all fit together.

She suddenly said that it was inaccurate and that the whole report was to have been changed to the new filtered view.

I explained that we had only discussed adding the Summary page, and we would need to discuss changes to the remainder of the report pages with the HTeam since they are the owner of the report.

She replied that report was requested by a previous RN and that person had no idea what she was doing.

I calmly replied that I understood, but it had been setup for the HTeam based on certain requirements, that they are the report owner, and we would need to discuss the changes with them.

She suddenly exclaimed that she did not understand why I "had to be this way."

Calmly, I replied that I did not understand why this was suddenly escalating.

She nearly shouted, "I'm tired of you always doing this.  You always do this. You always...."

I cut her off, stating, "I can't do this right now," and stood up and began to walk away.

She called after me, "You are the one that asked to talk to me.  I did not ask to talk to you."

I kept walking away and said nothing.

Walking over to my new C, we discussed this incident in detail.  I explained that I had never felt more assaulted than I had just now.  Nobody here has every treated me or anyone that way.  This has to stop, or I need to find someplace else to be.  She assured me that I was not alone in this and she would speak with her.

I am not sur that I have a high degree of confidence this will be addressed.