To Teach or Not to Teach

That is the question ...

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them”

- William Shakespeare

I am continually confronted by my own thoughts, "I was happy teaching.   I enjoyed doing what I was doing.  I was proud of what I was doing.  I had no drama.  I was motivated to go to work every day.  I looked forward to going to work every day, even when expecting the worst day, or after the worst day.  When I was asked, "what do you do," I typically responded enthusiastically, "I am a teacher!"

Let's review where I am.

Am I happy doing what I do now?

It is a job.  There is a level of solitude and associated indifference.  I am a cog in a machine.

Do I enjoy doing what I am doing?

It passes the time and pays the bills.  It is not rewarding. I am a cog in a machine.

Am I proud of what I do?  

There is a level of personal pride in accomplishment, but no longer with my role in the organization, society, or what I am contributing to the bigger picture.  It is not something where I proudly state my role.   I am a cog in a machine.

Is there drama?  

There was not, until two new people from a former sweat shop (Cerner) joined the organization.  Now we have drama.  Now we have politics.  Now we have gaslighting.  Now we have finger-pointing.  Now we have blame.  Now we have people minimizing the efforts of others to make their own efforts look more appealing.

Am I motivated to go to work every day?  

Only because I feel personally responsible.  It is becoming increasingly difficult to wake up every day.  This is a sure sign, for me, that this is no longer a fit.

Do I look forward to going to work every day?  

Yes, in that I can complete tasks and enjoy the company of some of those that I work with.  No, in that I do not enjoy the recent drama, politics, etc.  I also do not enjoy communicating and teaching those that refuse to learn for themselves, or generating analysis that mostly only serves to find fault with others.   Expecting the worst day, I would rather sleep in.  After the worst day, I would rather sleep forever.

When asked, "what do you do," now I respond that I am simply a bean counter and nothing more.

Some of the decision comes down to money and retirement.  Teacher compensation is awful.  However, my current compensation is not a whole lot better.  It does afford a higher level of existence. Or does it?  Is it really worth trading personal happiness for a few tens of thousands of dollars?

Add to all of this, I noted this morning that they again posted a role that I had hoped to take on, which was nearly promised to me in the beginning.  It has become increasingly apparent that I am not needed or wanted in such a role.  It is the same as ever.  Stay where you are and do what you do.  That is sufficient to their needs.  It is not sufficient to my own.